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Topical Jokes – March 9

| 0 Comments | 446 Views | Back to top | Posted on 03/09/2014 at 11:17 AM

Hillary Clinton this week criticized Vladimir Putin calling him a “tough guy with a thin skin” which, coincidentally, is also the title of his new picture book of shirtless selfies.

While speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference this week Representative Paul Ryan said that there is no civil war within the Republican Party and that the internal debate is just “creative tension.” No word yet on who will give the Republican rebuttal.

The NFL is considering extending the distance for kicking an extra point to 42 yards. Said fans of the New York Jets, “What’s an extra point?”

In the first episode of the new OWN Network reality series chronicling Lindsay Lohan’s road to recovery, she is scolded by Oprah Winfrey over her behavior, specifically for taking drugs and NOT winning the Tour de France.

An Irish pub in the Bronx is planning to host what it says is the World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day Parade, which will be just 47 feet from one door to another, because a celebration with very little exercise is the best way to look both Irish and American.

A Russian TV news anchor is being sent to report from Crimea after she said on live TV that the country’s behavior in Ukraine was “wrong.” Said her co-anchor, “And I think our stance on Tahiti is way out of line!”

A farmer in Minnesota has created a 50 foot tall snowman that also serves as farming’s first ever ScareChild.

The City Commission in Grand Rapids, Michigan is planning to remove a 38 year-old section of the city code that states “no person shall willfully annoy another person.” “Finally!” said bachelorette parties.

While giving a blessing on Sunday, Pope Francis accidentally mixed up the Italian word “caso” with the Italian version of the F-word. He promises it’s the last time he gives a blessing while stuck in traffic.

A new study has found that one out of every three people in Tennessee uses prescription narcotic painkillers. Two out of three remain loyal to the state’s official painkiller–Jack Daniels.

Topical Jokes–March 1

| 0 Comments | 485 Views | Back to top | Posted on 03/03/2014 at 10:47 AM

Lawmakers have proposed a bill that would make Major League Baseball’s Opening Day a federal holiday, which could be the closest Congress gets this year to immigration reform.

An 11 year-old girl and a 13 year-old boy in Missouri tied in their county’s spelling bee after both spelled words correctly for 66 rounds and then judges ran out of words. Missouri: home to just 132 words.

It was announced this week that starting in April former President George W. Bush will display more than two dozen of his paintings at his presidential library. He said anything more than that would just be too many hand turkeys.

According to a recent survey 65 percent of teenagers say that taking and posting “selfies” online help boost their confidence.
Which means only 35 percent of teenagers read the comment sections.

A new study shows that married men have lower blood pressure than single men. Leading scientists to conclude that high blood pressure is a direct result of having fun.

Archaeologists in New York City doing work under City Hall Park have discovered a 200 year old vaginal syringe, surprising everyone who thought Donald Trump was the oldest douche in New York.

Plastic surgeons have reported a 16 percent increase in the number of buttock augmentations performed in the last year. “Finally!” said surgeon Dr. Sir Mix-A-Lot.

It was discovered this week that a freshman at Duke University is also a porn star. It became known when she was the only one in her class to take on two different kinds of Freshman 15.

Taco Bell announced this week that it will start selling breakfast foods, including a waffle taco–perfect for anyone who actually wants evidence when claiming a sick day.

A couple in California, who were taking their dog for a walk, discovered 10 million dollars in gold coins buried next to a tree. In a related story, the Humane Society accidentally let a couple adopt a leprechaun.

Topical Jokes Feb 3

| 0 Comments | 460 Views | Back to top | Posted on 02/03/2014 at 09:57 PM

China’s moon rover, the Jade Rabbit, which suffered a potentially crippling breakdown this week, issued a message reading “Goodnight, Earth, Goodnight, humanity,” which China later admitted is a bootleg cut from Justin Bieber’s new album.

Florida Representative Trey Radel, who was convicted of cocaine possession, announced this week that he will resign from Congress. In fact he announced it at a house party, over and over and over again.

A New York City apartment that was once owned by Billy Joel is being sold for 1.5 million dollars, because the buyer is new to Manhattan and couldn’t afford a six-month lease.

A new poll shows that 55 percent of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana with laws similar to those in Washington and Colorado. The poll has a margin of error of +/- “Dude…what was the question?”

A 16 year-old Texas girl survived after her birthday gift of a sky-diving trip went wrong and she fell 3500 feet to the ground. Because it’s no longer enough to just ask for a car.

A New Zealand man, who was attacked by a shark, stitched up his own wounds on shore then went to a pub for a beer before heading to the hospital, where he filmed yet another Dos Equis commercial.

Government scientists are offering people 3000 dollars in exchange for exposing them to a live flu virus. Weird, since it only costs $2.75 to ride the New York subway.

An 11 year-old Pennsylvania boy was arrested after he brought beer to school in a water bottle. No word on how he accessed the cooler in the teacher’s lounge.

The crafts store Michaels is investigating a possible data breach involving customers’ credit and debit card information, information that Michaels of course keeps in a giant scrapbook.

Topical Jokes

| 0 Comments | 449 Views | Back to top | Posted on 01/29/2014 at 10:32 PM

This year’s Super Bowl will be between the Seattle Seahawks and the Visitors Bureau of Omaha.

Donald Trump said this week that Chris Christie is “one email away from a disaster,” explaining later that he calls Twinkies “emails”.

An 18 year-old high school student in Florida, who was suspended after school officials learned that he was starring in adult films, has been allowed to return to classes. At least he will be after his teachers order a pizza.

A new trend among middle school children is crushing up and then snorting the candy “Smarties”. Judging by recent test scores, their dealers have some explaining to do.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Tuesday was sworn in to his second term, but as expected, his inauguration reception was overshadowed by a giant blizzard [image: Gov Christie holding a Dairy Queen “Blizzard”]

Kraft is recalling its Velveeta Cheesy Skillets Singles Cheeseburger Mac meal for failing to identify soy as an ingredient. Which experts say is the food equivalent of busting Al Capone for tax evasion.

The White House announced this week that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican in March, because not pissing off Fox News is what the Pope plans to give up for Lent.

According to new federal statistics, the birth rate in the US has hit a historical low, a statistic that has yet to reach your local Wal-Mart.

Gift Buying — Things I’ve Learned

| 0 Comments | 461 Views | Back to top | Posted on 12/31/2013 at 11:27 AM

Patience is a virtue best learned cold. At least for me it was.

Every Christmas morning when I was growing up, my family would gather in a circle and…wait for it…take turns opening presents!! It was truly Rockwellian if Norman Rockwell painted scenes of family torture.

You may be asking, “Keith, how could that possibly be tortuous?” Because we’re Catholic. That’s why. Most nations have army brigades that are smaller than Catholic families. It felt like an eternity for another turn opening a present.

I wanted to dive in and rip everything apart like a vulture on a ribboned carcass. But instead, I would unwrap a gift, express my gratitude, and then recite the entire Twelve Days of Christmas in my head. It was my turn again at around the time the twelve drummers drumming were breaking down their equipment and selling merch by the exit.

Each year, I had to look at our humiliated dog in an elf-costume and tell myself that it could be worse.

And I have to admit, the older I got, that slow tradition became something else to appreciate in life, along with black coffee and exact change at the grocery checkout.

Some Christmas traditions don’t ever take (I’m looking at you, Barking Jingle Bells). But this one managed to tolerate my impatience and stick around. I can’t thank my parents enough. The true meaning of Christmas, after all, isn’t getting a ton of gifts or checking your Visa bill after shopping at Target like it is nowadays. It’s about watching the faces of disappointment as your family opens what you bought them on a tight budget.

As much fun as it is to watch others open a gift you got them, it’s more fun if you know more about what you’re doing in the gift-giving process. With that in mind, I’ve picked up a few ideas about the art of giving gifts to help guide you for next year.

*When someone says “You really don’t have to get me anything”, the best thing to do is get them something, especially if that person is a woman you would like to have sex with at some point.

*The good-ol’ gift card. Be careful with this because it could backfire. I personally love getting gift cards, so they can make awesome gifts. But it’s been brought to my attention that some people have big yuletide sticks up their chimneys when it comes to gift cards. Apparently to these people, a gift card says, “If there’s a minimum for caring, here it is.” That may be a bit harsh, especially since the champions of “minimum caring” have always been the Chia Pet, the Clapper, and any CD from the Cracker Barrel bargain-bin. But factor out fancy weeds, lazy home owners, and Rudy Gatlin, and gift cards could top the list for some people, at least until they make a Chia Rudy Gatlin.

*Giving to charity in someone’s name. Some people roll their eyes at this idea but I’m in favor of it, especially if you give to organizations your friends don’t like. If one friend is a vegan and another is a hunter, donating for them to the NRA and PETA, respectively, will produce hours of hilarity and heartfelt Second Amendment dinner conversation. God bless us…everyone!

*Gift wrap. Men, listen up. Never try and wrap a gift if there is a female anywhere nearby. Even if the gift is for her, ask her to wrap it. I don’t say this with any sort of sexist tone. I say this because we males have no clue how to wrap anything unless it’s a gift card, and we’ve already covered that. Complimentary gift wrap is available not to make life convenient. It’s to save someone the breath of saying “Oh, this has a pound of tape on it and I can still see half the box. Thanks, Keith!”

*You’ll often hear the phrase “Makes a great gift!” Don’t trust it. Everyone says this, including whoever invented crocs. The best barometer for what makes a great gift is to ask yourself, “Have I ever heard my loved one say they wanted this?” The next question should then be, “Is this something besides shoes with holes in them?” If the answer is “yes” to each of those, wrap it up. Well, get a woman to wrap it up. (Duh)

*Making your own coupons. Married couples do this for stuff like “backrubs”, “a night out”, and “intimate stuff we used to do before we got married”. Needless to say, everyone should stop doing this immediately. It’s very disturbing, especially when your kids think you sat on Santa’s lap and asked for a book of weird vouchers. Besides, it’s 2014. Either get that on a plastic barcode card for your keychain or buy a bottle of wine and let nature take its course. Save a tree. Stop with the coupons.

These ideas are merely suggestions. Regardless of how you give your gifts, you should always keep in mind the true gift of Christmas. It’s about gathering as a family and enjoying time together. In fact, you should enjoy your time together. Otherwise that trip around the circle to your next turn will make Barking Jingle Bells sound divine. And nobody should be that nuts on Christmas.

Have a very happy new year and Merry Christmas 2014!

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