In an effort to spread the word about the upcoming launch of his one hour special “Casual Sext”, comedian Michael Malone is taking time to answer questions and give advice in the sexual realm for the entire month of September.
How can I entice my husband to give me oral sex?
Try adding some exciting flavors down there, men love BBQ sauce. It’s gonna tingle a little but trust me, after the Jet’s game he will go down on you like its bottomless wing night.
Is there a thing as too much sex?
Only in Vegas. Seriously, never bring your credit card to sin city. Only pack cash for ass and hash.
My husband has a small penis, what positions should we try?
Try raising your right hand, bend it back a little and move it in a forward motion and knock on your neighbor’s door while your husbands at work.
I’ve been faking orgasms for four years now, is it wrong?
It’s not wrong but it can’t be fun.
It takes me 30mins to climax, how can I speed it up?
Set up some rewards, make it like one of those games at the fair – You climax anytime under 11mins you get anything on the middle shelf. Personally I’d go for the Aerosmith mirror over the oversized panda bear.
Is there anything I can do to make my vagina tighter?
Yes, stop dating black guys.
I heard that if I douche right after sex I can’t get pregnant, is this true?
False, but if you leave used condoms under your pillow at night, the baby fairy will come and collect the sperm so you won’t get pregnant.
Are bumps on a man’s penis normal or something I should worry about?
No, it’s brail for “Spit or Swallow?”
Am I wrong for expecting sex when I’m pregnant?
Not at all, but you’re going to have to wait til last call at the bar with all the other whales.
He’s too big... what do I do?
Share with a friend! That’s what you would do with a meal at restaurant right? Too many nachos? No problem, Becky’s fat ass will help out.
I can’t have an orgasm, not even when I’m alone, help!
Situations like this are what shower heads were designed for. Tomorrow morning take a long shower and see if you can wash away that problem.
How can we sync up our sex schedules?
Google calendars works wonders! Also sex is better when it’s spontaneous, just show up at their work half naked and ready to jump some bones.
Should I be worried if my boyfriend doesn’t always orgasm?
YES! He is an alien, do not leave him alone he will eat your cat.