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Hooray! A Show!

| 1 Comment | 3164 Views | Back to top | Posted on 04/08/2005 at 04:20 PM

I will be participating in a comedy competition called the Trash City Comedy SlamFest in Tempe, Arizona. Hooray! I'll be competing on April 21st at a club called The Sets that is hosting this show. I just found out about it a couple of weeks ago, and was lucky to be able to sign up before it got started. I'll be competing against 10 other comics on my night, and if I advance I'll be in a Finals Show against the 10 other winners from each week.

I'm kind of torn though about what material to do. I have a pretty good working set, but I think I'm going to mix in some new stuff that I haven't tried out yet. Hopefully it won't shoot me in the foot, but the way I figure if I don't have enough good material for two 5-minute sets, then I don't deserve to win anyway. The grand prize is a $1,000 and an opening slot at another local comedy club that I've been doing open-mic's at.

So if you happen to be in Tempe on April 21st, shout me a holla at The Sets. I might even say something funny.

Satan In A Turtle Shell

| 0 Comments | 3153 Views | Back to top | Posted on 03/23/2005 at 10:39 AM

I recently read on about a man in Indiana that claims to have found Satan's face on the shell of a turtle in the pet store he owns. Yippee Indiana! You now have someone to replace Ron Artest as the pride of Indiana. A turtle shell? Of all the things that I would think the Dark Master of Evil would use to strike fear into the hearts of mankind, a turlte never even made the top 50. I would think maybe a rabid guinea pig, or maybe even an oddly shaped mole on the penis of a maladjusted midget amputee. But a turtle? I think we might be looking a little too closely for divine intervention.

Recently another member of the proverbial think tank found the face of Jesus on his grilled cheese sandwich. Or as I like to call it, "Grilled Cheesus." This is totally ridiculous. Everybody knows that if Jesus were going to appear on a sandwich it would be a tuna sandwich. You know, because of the loaves and fishes connection.

Anyway, I better get going, I just realized I have a pee spot on my underwear in the shape of Joseph of Arimathea.

You Know What Sounds Good?.....Work!

| 2 Comments | 3370 Views | Back to top | Posted on 03/15/2005 at 11:15 PM

Hi everyone at Comedy Soapbox! Normally I try to know..funny in my blog, but this time I'm looking for some advice. I'm pretty damn new to this whole comedy thing, and I really am naive. How does this work? How do you get work? I need advice.

I have done a couple of open mics, and have had really good success. I even made it to the finals of an Arizona comedy competition...but that's it. I'm not trying to be brash or impatient, I just don't know what to do next. Do I keep going to open-mic's? Do I bug club owners even though I only have a five-minute, rather poor quality, DVD of myself. I need help.

I'm pretty gung-ho about being a comedian, but I don't want to screw everything up before I've even had a chance. What kind of process did everyone else go through? Please, any help would be greatly appreciated.

And I might even rub your nipples.


Do I Always Have to Be Funny?

| 1 Comment | 3298 Views | Back to top | Posted on 03/14/2005 at 01:04 PM

I was at my chiropractor the other day, and somehow it came up in conversation that I was an aspiring comedian. My chiropractor's response to this was, "Really? You're not a very funny guy. At least not here."

This perhaps harmless comment got me to thinking. Am I supposed to be funny all the time? Should I be dropping witty comedic observations while I'm in the fetal position with my chiropractor's knee in my back? When can I just shut the hell up?

Are people in other professions bombarded with this kind of demand? Are rodeo clowns asked to jump in a barrell while enjoying a frosty brew at the local honky-tonk bar after a hard days work? Is John Tesh asked to belt out ass-sucking music while he's bathing himself in scented oils and being rubbed down by his midget slaves? I think not.

So why, then, am I required to be a court jester at even the most inappropriate situations? Since I'm supposed to be funny all the time, maybe I can find my niche as Tad, the wacky funeral comic. Or maybe I can become Zippy, the colonoscopy clown.

Anyway, I think I'm done ranting. But next time I'm at the chiropractor I'll ask him if he's heard the one about the chirpractor that shut his cake hole and adjusted my back.

Hockey, R.I.P.

| 0 Comments | 3225 Views | Back to top | Posted on 02/16/2005 at 11:26 PM

Alas, today hockey is no more. Sure they say it's just for the rest of the season, but this could be the beginning of the end for an already struggling league. Why did hockey struggle for so long, anyway? It's dudes with friggin' sticks trying to hit a hard black thing at each other, and ultimately just hitting each other with sticks and fists when they can't! Who the hell wouldn't want to see that! Apparently most of America since attendance and ratings have been on a consistent slide. I have to admit that being from Goathump, Arizona, I've only had the privilege to attend 2 NHL games. But you know what, they ROCKED! Who played? Couldn't tell ya. What was the score? not a damn clue. But you know what I do remember? Everybody in the entire arena cheering when a referee got caught in a massive testosterone and plexiglass sandwich at center ice. Or the half-dozen fights that broke out in the stands, and choosing from afar which mullet-sporting hooligan to root for.

Hockey will be sadly missed this season, at least by me. I won't be able to see an athlete score without being followed by some elaborately planned celebration consisting of pom-poms and Sharpies. I won't get to watch the ugliest mofo you've ever seen have his forehead gashed, go to the locker room, and comeback in stitches 15 minutes later to slam the shit out of the asshole that gashed him. No mullets. No acid washed blue jeans. There is no joy in Mulletville, the NHL has struck out.

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